Vulnerable Hours #203
The Vulnerable Hours on Internalized Misogyny
The TGIF Post varies during these no longer unprecedented times— only without the celebrity worship culture and more along with critique pieces on the pop culture, social mores, and more. Get into it below.
The disconnect of surviving the endless capitalistic enclosures during such daunting times with gas and grocery prices skyrocketing, continual mass shootings in America, and Russia continuing its deadly invasion of Ukraine— is horrifyingly growing globally. As Congress continues to implode or idly do nothing while being bankrolled by the NRA, insurance companies, big pharma, and the oil industry, or delve into insider trading to notice Americans are on the verge of another civil war.
For most, actively participating in life and not nihilistically becoming too disassociated has been a relearning experience. Who knew we’d have to re-parent and refocus on ourselves as the world furthers into chaos in our adult ages? Prioritizing yourself is truly important for mental stability. Daring to take care and love yourself seems silly and cliché; conversely, our supposed way of life only works for those who directly benefit. That work-hard-play-hard ethos is crumbling since there’s no difference between selling your body to capitalism and the hypocritical MO of shaming sex workers. Capitalists adhere to the Big Machine lifestyle; most even praise the exploitive suits in charge or take bootlicking further with online antics of Elon Musk’s fanboy army or the wannabe Bezo’s. Selling your body to ‘rising n grinding’ for capitalism and then going online with a bizarre devotion to men devoid of ethicality is a strange path, but free will is a thing. Taking care of the essence of who we are has been a quiet and radical movement that makes previous generations nervous because they don’t understand it— they’re far too deep in their unhappy way of life. Recognizing the importance of self-care to not become a shell of a person ashamed to feel differently is crucial for collective posterity.
A unionized collective that demands respect, accountability, and equality is harder to control— knowing our worth to challenge the status quo and the capitalistic ‘rise and grinds’ mentality that slowly but surely chips away at your soul is the most rewarding yet terrifying realization and rebirth. This new beginning is a complete perspective change and understanding that helped me realize my toxic contributions and missteps in knowing my worth and conditioned misogyny I couldn’t ignore. Nothing was more evident than when I took an unexpected trip home to Mexico— which is why Youthquake vanished and humbly returns anew.
Nostalgia won when visiting my parents’ humble homeland; the last time I went was the mental reset I needed; except this time, it was a hard look into the past and wanting more for my future. Family dynamics are always an experience. I couldn’t escape no matter how many walks to the corner shop I took— seeing how far the internalized misogyny among fully enabling women and its sharp claws in our patriarchal society was dizzying. The imbalanced structures of our patriarchal society are evident, but where there are powerful men, there are the supportive women that prop it up. Some women want a place at the bunker as they watch the world burn while willingly acknowledging their part, serving it up wholeheartedly.
Venomous and polarizing-on-purpose women like embarrassing American politicians Lauren Boebert, Kyrsten Sinema, and Marjorie Taylor Greene. These politicians peddle their obtuse rhetoric towards lobbyists’ agenda, hindering any proactive change for a collective reform. Propping and stoking the patriarchy’s fire doesn’t even shield them from being left to dry at times by the same horrible men they spotlight and revere. Seemingly, it’s like they hate women when in reality, the pecking order has conditioned us to view women as less than. Thus, they willfully aid the status quo traditionalism due to social hierarchies. It can also be like most women in my family who find comfort in their choices, yet their corrosive buildup of resentment and insecurity is evident.
Quietly observing women in my life enable men’s behavior, expecting change or results without self-respect or self-love to want better is silent devastation I wasn’t expecting. Witnessing blind allegiance to the patriarchy has surrounded me my entire life— which I then inherited until acknowledging and releasing its grasp. While the women in my life feel supported by the patriarchy, I’ve always felt unsafe, restricted, and even condemned. While perspective changes everything, being able to put in the work to break the mental mind traps and cycles helped me recognize my hurt and pain and the women in my life to which they still adhere. Simply not wanting to challenge or accept their toxicity or part in enabling instead of holding men accountable, the patriarchy continues to abuse its power, leading to an abyss of turmoil.
Recognizing internalized misogyny and elements of wounded feminine energy was simple; this conditioned frame of mind was how I grew up. Feelings of emotional imbalance and disconnect of convincing ourselves that we’re unworthy, too needy while nestling nicely with a need to control with passive aggression and hidden victim complex. It’s also manipulative, conforming, weak boundaries, overly competitive, deeply insecure, envious, flighty, and co-dependent. Living in a relentless hidden or overt victim mentality where the mixed-up feelings of emotional imbalance instilled a toxic dynamic that’s been familiar with my different relationships with women— whether my harsh guilt-driven mother, covert frenemies, previous friends, or even judgemental strangers with evil-eyed intentions.
Learning to embrace mediation and spirituality to awaken the vulnerability and softness I was shutting out has been the transformative catalyst to further fuel the mantra of self-care and self-love. Incorporating the Yin and Yang elements doesn’t correlate to gender. It should go without saying— but I will, again— wounded feminine energy doesn’t bind itself to a binary or correlate to gender. While the traits are described as binary, the importance is to embrace the dueling energies to help balance our inner polarities instead of embracing either/or model, especially when paired with a version of meditation that can be prayer, music, grounding exercises, hiking, painting, and more. Even therapy itself. Letting go of ego was the most challenging even still but releasing jealousy or inner competitiveness for appreciation and compassion means understanding that another person’s beauty, talent— or what have you— isn’t the absence of your own. Again, while the traits are described as binary, the importance is to embrace the dueling energies to help our inner balance. Anyone can embody and balance theirs— frankly, we all deserve a much-needed vibe shift. Balancing your inner polarities has nothing to do with aligning yourself to or towards gender. It’s about keeping our hearts open, to seek fulfillment inwards rather than seeking or craving outside validation.
Yet nothing compares to the palpable loneliness of being trapped in the vortex of your overthinking mind until we realize how our perceptions and projections twist things into deceiving us— that’s when we realize that our way of life or the way that we were raised probably wasn’t the healthiest. Being in the thick of our fears and spiraling triggers keeps us from realizing we had or knew the answer all along. Still, with a need for harshness and a desire to stay disassociated from it all, we suppress our intuition and inner wisdom.
Embracing the unknown is scary but trying to control something you can’t contain, like realizing I outgrew the need or desire for my family’s acceptance and judgemental expectations. They’ll never truly get me or my desire to challenge and question things, especially the misogyny and patriarchal assumption within not just one but two cultures. Breaking generational cycles is never easy; however, the bare minimum that we can do is take care, love, and honor ourselves. Especially for those in our family that don’t know how to or fear it’s too late.
🪐 Get Into It
To get further insight into the wounded feminine energy I grew up with, think the FRIENDS matriarch Judy Geller meets Marion McPherson, otherwise known as Lady Bird’s mom. Knowing that my mother’s harsh love was also her conditioned childhood led to a better understanding. Self-discovery and healing can lead to the reopening and triggering of wounds, specifically when you thought you moved past them. Precisely why, I took time away to refocus myself and prioritize my mental health by stepping away from writing.
Time away had me catching up with dear friends, and it seems that the collective vibes during mercury in retrograde were a toss-up. During our weekly texts, Sam and I talked about how we’ve all been going through it, silently and alone— unless it’s on social media because who doesn’t. The shadow side of May’s lunar eclipse showed itself during my meditating and journaling of shadow work. Some days were breezy while others had me reverting to crushing feelings of setbacks— that’s the catch-22 of healing, more heartache, and pain as we feel our emotions as they pass leads to more healing.
During my downtime of self-care and healing, along with mercury officially ending its retrograde today, some things sparked joy during this extra heinous timeframe. Like the moon, you also go through phases in cyclical motions— allow yourself to feel those moments deeply. So be kind to yourselves and make time— even 10 minutes for something that you love to do or create. Below are some current reads or fascinations that I’ve been indulging in, so as we say, get into it.
Listening: aside from typical favorites like George Harrison and Brian Wilson’s God Only Knows, I’ve been listening to new stuff by Florence + the Machine and Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Also been listening to my painting playlist while mindlessly painting.
Reading: Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner; after my grandfather’s passing, the medicinal hopefulness and melancholy sum up my grief— which doesn’t hit me so harshly anymore, and I love that for me!
Watching:
Films:
The Bob’s Burgers Movie
Everything Everywhere All at Once
Doctor Strange Something about Madness— I can’t remember.TV:
Stranger Things S4
Hacks S2
Top Chef (latest season)
Rewatched:
Bo Burnam Inside
Little Shop of Horrors
Fantastic Mr. Fox— introduced my nephew, Atticus, to this wholesome Wes Anderson film about communism.
Nevertheless, finding a balance in the fluidity of energies and catching these hangups and mental mind traps as they occur is proof of progress and empowering a sense of self. You may not even recognize yourself in a year— that’s the beauty in destruction, and I’m right there alongside you.
Con amor,
Naomi