Vulnerable Hours
On Finding Strength and Empowerment in Accepting Emotional Vulnerability
The TGIF lineup differs from our sincerely piqued interest in frivolous diversions during these politically wild and tumultuous times— only without celebrity worship. This week’s piece welcomes the strength in vulnerability. Get into it below.
As the incomparable Eartha Kitt said, “It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit.”
Outgrowing people can be heartbreakingly painful, yet it gets easier with each passing day over time. I’m in the midst of and this is evident with my unexpected writing hiatuses; although it was a hefty chunk, my lack of creative spark wasn’t solely due to familial issues. However, with full transparency to further embrace my fear of emotional vulnerability, my concentration has also been encircling the remnants of broken relationships, but what’s worse was staying in toxic cycles simply because it’s familiar. Allowing others and myself to be held emotionally hostage wasn’t easy, yet I wasn’t ready to accept a hidden option; I had power in choices, so I chose myself.
It’s said that character development is progression and growth; once listening to a song that reduced me to tears is now my anthemic banger while dancing like Robyn. Avoiding conflict and expecting things to somehow resolve on their own was my MO. Learned that to get through the other side, we must go through the turmoil and anguish that healing provides. That meant I had to process and feel my emotions— something I used to suppress.
Ignoring red flags, even my intuition, tormented me more; my anxiety grew daily and developed into stress-related health issues with occasional insomnia and a constant uneasy constricting knotty feeling when suddenly nervous. These constant intrusive anxious thoughts affected me more than I truly knew; luckily, they didn’t turn into ulcers. It turns out mental health affects us in other ways, too; my mindfulness research taught me that my constant stomach pain was anxiety-induced; changing certain foods and eating better certainly helped.
I discovered my self-destructive ability to shut down my emotions when overwhelmed stems from a conditioned childhood of an unstructured support system often invalidated or crushed down by authoritarian parents with a desire for control. As I got older, similar to others that have grown up emotionally abandoned by their parents, I rightfully welcomed my selfish years. I engrossed myself in no longer sacrificing my self-worth and mental health from parents that didn’t see me for who I was. Yet, this culminated in unhealthy relationships as an adult, as I unknowingly sought external validation from those who didn’t reciprocate what I deserved. Reciprocation and affection aren’t a commodity.
Now, I can confidently say how much better I feel with setting boundaries, letting go of being jaded, and embracing softness. Still, letting go and outgrowing what once was isn’t ever easy, especially when there is still a buried hope that echoes its despair within. Accepting the bad that also comes with the good is easier in theory until faced with back-to-back hopelessness instead of aligning with our happiness. Specifically, if these emotional vampires don’t consider you an integral part of theirs, as they equate our worth with THEIR opinions or projections of who we truly are— then it’s time to let them go.
Understanding is essential in activating change in self to unlearn previous unhealthy ways and conditioned mental patterns. By allowing myself to feel my emotions as they happen, and by this, I mean those seemingly overwhelming feelings that I’d usually put off until the spiraling tornado of emotions would demolish me. This process was emotional anarchy, but it was also familiar. While I’m still learning to feel my sensibilities, I also had to brace myself to face all the parts of myself— this includes owning the parts that were venomous, even toxic, at times.
Forgiving myself for being who I wasn’t, in hopes of being loved, or while I was in love wasn’t easy— a bitter pill to swallow is realizing that it isn’t my job to fix people or to live up to someone’s idealized projection of what they wanted me to be or expected. An equally bitter realization was acknowledging the realization that I’ve been toxic or problematic or could’ve changed things sooner. Yet, the most empowering and epiphanic moment was experiencing all of the stages of grief and knowing that I could change and unlearn for the better. Not to say that this isn’t simple. Progress isn’t singular or linear, like scribbling lines often stuck in presumable stagnant loops. Those previously targeted voices of doubt, pervasive worrying, and fearful anxiety are archived within our thought patterns. So changing them is a challenging concept initially.
Outgrowing people is painstakingly difficult as our heartaches of previous memories and overanalyzing what went wrong. Still, instead of accepting the unavailability emotionally of those I previously loved most but are no longer in my life and no longer turning my world upside down.
Destroying myself like a collapsing star was too convenient for my insecurities and the enjoyment of my downfall from others. Those who doubt me or try to dim my light by accepting other people’s emotional unavailability and lack of reciprocity are a thing of the past. The emotional benefits far outweigh the chaos of my past as transformation begins within, extending itself into fostering greater confidence and inner strength. I’m cementing a more compassionate and empathetic authenticity that I didn’t embrace before.
Still, implementing an entirely new and much kinder autonomy has been my empowering moment despite the heartache of outgrowing people; missing the old ways and previous people is natural. Knowing better and doing better makes this easier with each passing day. Self-love goes beyond the surface level of self-care; it’s a revolutionary and radical act of executing healthier self-preservation to express our true vulnerabilities instead of constantly enduring hardships and structuring a jaded tolerance that encloses us.
I previously thought being fiercely independent, and an unrelenting strong woman meant that vulnerability and fragility weren’t meant to be shown or embraced. The delicateness of welcoming both is also strong; it’s a different form. So as the menacing forces of capitalism continue to threaten the future, welcoming a transformative mindset empowers us in all aspects. Especially in these odd dystopian times where the celebrities and affluent oily money host/attend lavish parties and wedding ceremonies, even elected officials to attend instead of working. Or far worse, where music entertainers reportedly go to Dave and Buster’s after a nightmarish tragedy. These particular times are wild because of seeing such a blasé disregard from our governments, who are too busy slinging mud at the other to offer constructive assistance by implementing better laws, two years into an ongoing pandemic. However, this stops with us; we choose to live on our terms. That means flipping the table we’re always expected to sit or wait on, and #Striketober certainly helped the notion that more uprisings are inevitable and have been since the Occupy Movement. Maintaining the status quo also means upholding an inherently broken system of systemic racism and patriarchy, so when we rightfully criticize any structural movement in place, we’re labeled entitled/ungrateful/“anti-American.”
“I love America more than any other country in the world and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually.” ―James Baldwin
Therefore the most radical and progressive thing we can do is to step in and embrace our power.
Power is our radical act of self-love and knowing that we deserve better for ourselves than others expect— if wanting others to suffer because you experienced hard times isn’t the power play as it seems.
🎶 Youthquake Playlist
It’s vulnerable hours with our Sad Girl Mix, which is for everyone. For Apple Music, HERE.
This piece was a long time coming, and it’s been cathartic despite such strong anxieties about my past; this is mainly why the TGIF posts have been MIA, but it will make its belated return with New Music Friday and my go-to comfort movie list. Until then, I’ve been eagerly watching HBO’s Succession also Insecure, and if you’re watching neither— get into it. They won’t disappoint.
Con Amor,
Naomi x
Another fantastic piece as always 🖤